can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
