I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
