Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
