I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
