So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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