"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
