SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
