All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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