Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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