I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
