I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
