Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
