I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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