i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
