Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What a dumb baby whore.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
