she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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