it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
