apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
