I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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