i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize