Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
