cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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