I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
