I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
