The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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