theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
