I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
