Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
