bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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