Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
