my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is Oprah even human
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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