My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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