You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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