david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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