I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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