I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
