New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
