Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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