They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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