Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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