All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
