i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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