Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
