you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
