You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
