no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
false alarm. still invincible.
i love accidental penises.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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