There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She needs sedatives and a leash
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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