i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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