Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
