I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
