I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
