Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
