Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
