theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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