Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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