I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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