If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
