i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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